Hollyleaf's Pain
by ForeverMe19
Summary: Hollyleaf has been living in the caves for so long. But you can only take so much until you break with longing. Songfic. Emberclan Challenge


Hollyleaf ran heatedly through the tunnels she now knew so well. Fallen Leaves and she had argued, again. He just didn't understand, didn't know how hard she was trying to adjust to her new life and be perfect. She should have bitten her tongue, not let those awful words spill out.

"How does he not know I would stay awake for moons for him?" she thought sadly, slowing her run to a walk, "I'm the only cat he's ever been close to!" Hollyleaf faked cheeriness for him, laughing with him, hiding the ache of her heart for Thunderclan, her friends, her brothers. They would run through the tunnels together, just having fun. Hollyleaf could forget Thunderclan for a while when she was with him, but it never stayed that way. She had given him everything she had, including her heart.

"But I'm not perfect!" Hollyleaf yowled, "And I'll bleed when I fall down! I'll break down! Just like with Leafpool and Squirrelflight!" She could remember being shocked when she found out she was half-clan, breaking not only the warrior code but the medicine cat code as well! She had revealed the secret at the Gathering, then tried to kill her birth mother. Hollyleaf would never now get to know her, never know how much she truly loved her. She had revealed to her brothers what she had done, then ran away. She shook her head, trying to block hurtful memories and the words Fallen Leaves and she had thrown at each other like blows not long ago. The words were stone in her head, thorns in her heart. He would always apologize and help her, but no matter what she still fell apart every time it happened.

"Maybe I miss Thunderclan more than I think," Hollyleaf thought. She continued walking through the tunnel. Everyday was the same routine for her, but she still liked it a bit. Fallen Leaves always was there when she needed him. But he couldn't help her hold the guilt that she had on her shoulders. Ashfur's death plagued her dreams, turning her thoughts haywire. She could still see his panicked, shocked face when she had delivered the killing bite. His body had fallen into the lake, a pool of blood following as she cleaned her paws and muzzle. Fallen Leaves would always confront her after she had the nightmare, even if he didn't know what it was. He was everything to her, and she thought she might be the same to him.

"But again, I'm not perfect," Hollyleaf thought, "I bleed when I fall down, and I break down. The words will be stone in my head, and thorns in my heart. He'll make it all better, but I'll still fall apart. Because I'm not perfect. I'm just not perfect!" She began running again, the thought echoing in her head. She finally slowed, tired, and collapsed on the stone. Tears began to fall.

"I can only take so much," Hollyleaf whispered, "Until I've had enough." Her thoughts continued to cycle through, reminding her of her imperfectness, the horrible things she'd done, the way she acted toward Fallen Leaves when they were mad.

"Hollyleaf?" she turned, and saw the orange and white tom standing beside her, "Hollyleaf, I'm so sorry." Fallen Leaves began grooming her, calming her down. She pressed herself to him, though his pelt never gave any warmth. He purred quietly, letting her know he did care about her.

"You don't have to be perfect," he whispered, looking into her eyes. Hollyleaf didn't answer, just pressed herself against him, burying her nose in his fur. His rhythmic grooming was confronting, like usual.

"I love you," Hollyleaf whispered, "Please, don't leave me." Fallen Leaves gazed at her, his eyes full of sadness and love.

"I love you too Hollyleaf," he said, shaking his head, "But you belong with Thunderclan. You have to know that by now." Hollyleaf nodded sadly, staring at the stone ground.

"I can't go back," she said, "I've done terrible things. They will have to survive without me." Fallen Leaves looked her in the eye when she looked up.

"But can you survive without them?" he questioned, making Hollyleaf's eyes widen. Memories flooded over her: playing with her brothers as kits, trying to learn the names of herbs and what they were used for, becoming a warrior apprentice instead and catching her first prey, hunting with Cinderheart the day after their warrior ceremony. All memories she wanted to experience again. She touched noses with Fallen Leaves.

"You're right," she said, both of them standing, "I have to go back. But, I'll miss you." He nodded.

"I'll miss you too," he said, "But I promise, I'll see you again sometime." Hollyleaf nodded, and began to head for the tunnel to Thunderclan territory; to home.

Author's Note: Yes, I'm a Fallen Leaves/Hollyleaf shipper. I think it existed, but they did a really good job at covering it up. The song I got for this challenge was Human by Christina Perri. I immediately thought of Hollyleaf, how she always tried to be tough but had trouble keeping it together. She went through tough times in her life. I decided to rewrite Hollyleaf going back to Thunderclan because I wanted it to be happy and sad at the same time, and I'd always had an idea for it. Come join Emberclan! We are awesome! Please. :)


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